Unhappy Hats and Drooping Whiskers
by Twonk
Summary: Ever since Alice left him, Hatter has been in a constant state of depression. Even happy slapping the Dormouse doesn't help. So the Match Hare decides to take everything into his own hands. XD C.10 up! It's the end! Why do I feel like crying? R&R!
1. Hatter depressed

**NB: This chapter is the first chapter, and let's be honest, it isn't very good. I do however, PROMISE you that much, MUCH more exciting things in this story are to come. So bear with me. Please. Thank You. I lurve you all madly. Well, as long as you're reading this. XD.**

***

"Alright?" The March Hare had come round for tea. In a new fairly recent effort to be 'cool', Hare had stopped wearing his traditional red suit and bow tie, and instead wore a black leather jacket, had donned a huge (and very unflattering) pair of sunnies, then finally- to top it off- wore a purple beret with 'chic' spelt across it in red sequins. He looked ridiculous.

Hatter barely looked up from his bread and butter. "Yeah, I'm fine." He muttered. In a trance, he brought his teacup to his lips and tried to swallow the liquid, but instead allowed it to slop down his chin and into his lap. He didn't even squeal when blisters started forming on his thighs. Boy, he had it bad.

Sighing heavily, March Hare sat down next to him. "Hmm." Casually, he drew out a small lighter and a packet of Superking cigarettes. "Want a fag?" Hatter didn't even bother to answer. There was so much on his mind nowadays. People just wrote him off as a nutter, and then left him to it. He knew that it was his fault- after all, he himself had come up with the nickname "Mad Hatter," but he regretted it now.

There was a looooooooong silence.

March Hare hated being ignored. Hatter hadn't been the same lately, and to be honest, Hare wasn't sure if he even wanted to be friends with him anymore. It was that 'Alice' who had done it. After she had dumped the Mad Hatter for the Frog Footman three months ago, Hatter had been first inconsolable, then overnight had transformed into a mindless zombie. Hare didn't know _what _to do. He had bought Hatter countless cakes, large jars of his favourite jam, sang his favourite songs, happy slapped the Dormouse to make him laugh… nothing. He had even splashed out on a brand new pocket watch for his Unbirthday. And what did he get back? His best friend? Nah. Just a mumbled "thanks".

In an effort to make life interesting, Hare had turned towards the comfort of fashion magazines. Now addicted to _Cosmopolitan, Glamour, _and Gok Wan's regular article in _The Times_, Hare thought his of his old life like a person looked at their favourite teddy bear. Good while it lasted, but now he'd grown out of it. So why couldn't Hatter do the same? Something had to be done- before years of friendship went truly down the rabbit hole.

"Mate," March Hare began. Inwardly, Hatter groaned. When was Marchie gonna SHUT UP with all the hip-hop rubbish? Before recently, Marchie's vocabulary had well exceeded genius level. Now it was practically down to three words. "Mate," "Innit," and "Safe". It was enough to drive a Hatter mad! But _that_ was a bit too late in the day to complain about, wasn't it?

"Mate," March Hare repeated. "You need to get over this Alice chick. Sure she was beautiful, with her locks all golden and stuff, and her figure was well hot- and yeah she was real smart and wicked. But come on! Sometimes she was well up her own ass. Innit." It was Marchie's turn to inwardly groan. He wasn't helping. This was confirmed when Hatter turned around and poured the rest of his tea over his head. Startled, Hare rubbed the tea from his eyes, and jumped three feet in the air when he saw Hatters crazed face less than a centimetre away from his own.

"Go away." Hatter's voice was calm.

"But mate-"

"GO AWAY!" Hatter stood up and towered over the March Hare's quivering frame. "If I wanted your advice I'd ask for it!" March Hare didn't move. Incensed, Hatter decided to up his insults. "And that STUPID beret you're wearing! Don't you know that trilby's are in? YOU IDIOT!!" The March Hare's bottom lip began to quiver. Pleased, Hatter carried on. "And that black leather jacket! You look like a poof from the YMCA!"

Hare stood up. "How did you guess?" His voice held no malice, just a polite interest. Hatter was stunned. What??

"Huh?" He said, aloud.

"I _said_, how did you guess?" March Hare smiled a slightly manic, definitely caffeine induced smile. Hatter's shoulders sank with relief.

"Did you get your hands on Red Bull again? 'Cos the Queen said that if you drink anymore, she WILL ban it. You know…"

Marchie held up a sophisticated paw. "Nope, no Red Bull. Maybe a bit of Coke though. Diet. Anyway… yes, Hattie you got it in one. I DO belong to the YMCA, Gok Wan and Julian Clary are my heroes, and _yes _I am in a happy, completely homosexual relationship."

Hatter projectile spat the mouthful of cake he had just shoved in his mouth right into Dormouse's ear. It didn't wake up. "What???" He spluttered. "Who???"

"Um…" Damn, who should he pick?" "…The White Rabbit." Yeah, he'd do.

"THE WHITE RABBIT????" Hatter's mouth was hanging so far open, Hare reckoned he could have shoved an entire loaf of bread in there.

"Yep. In fact…" Marchie 'checked' his watch. "I have a date right now. See ya later _dahling_!" And with that, Marchie hip wiggled his way through the gate and down the front path. Hatter was completely gobsmacked. He didn't even move.

When he got to the woods- and out of Hatters sight- Hare whooped and punched the air. That would teach him! Nothing like a gay relationship to shake the old bugger up! And oh my! He was such a good liar! The White Rabbit? Who would _believe_ that he was going out with THE WHITE RABBIT? On the other hand, he did have quite a nice bum…

Hours later, Hatter was still in shock. Marchie? GAY? Who ever would have thought? Lifting his hat, he took out the bottle of vodka he hid there, and added a liberal amount to his second cup of tea. Sometimes he really wondered what Wonderland was coming to.

**P.S I would just like to confirm that I have nothing against gay people, or the concept of being gay. Don't knock it until you try it is one of my famous motto's. And I also have enough gay friends that WILL hunt you down and back me up in saying I'm NOT a homophobe. Thank you. MWAH!!! **


	2. Nice Tackle

It had been a week since the March Hare had announced that he was going out with The White Rabbit. He hadn't seen Hatter during that time, and he guessed this was because the Hatter was desperately trying to create a relationship of his own. The March Hare and the Hatter had been very competitive as children. If Hatter had been given a Dwinkle-Derry by his mother, then Hare had to have five- in assorted colours. If Hare had been given a new bread knife, then Hatter had to have a new bread knife, cake knife, vegetable knife, potato peeler, cheese grater and pizza slice. It was hard, but hey! It made life more entertaining right? Hare laid himself back on his bed, and gave a contented smile. Hatter was probably trying to get his leg over some Wonderland bint right now…

As a matter of fact, Hatter wasn't. He hadn't moved from his place at the table for the entire week- not even to get a clean cup. His face lay in the midst of mouldy Hovis slices, and lakes of tea lay in abundance over the table- cloth. It wasn't an attractive sight. Fumes of booze wreathed over Hatter' head- giving him the appearance of an angel. An angel that had been severely beaten up, placed in a mincemeat grinder, had his face painted with jam, and- for extra humiliation- had been stripped. (The stripped part, in fact, was true- the Dormouse for quite a while now had thought the Mad Hatter was being a bit of a dick. So when the Hatter had been unconscious in an alcohol-induced coma for more than three days, Dormouse thought, "Hell I'll steal his clothes." His underpants had now become a very fetching pillowcase. XD).

Yes, after Hatter had drunk the entire bottle of Vodka from his Hat, this hadn't made him escape from his problems- but had made him face them. He was 25, alone, mad, his friends had deserted him, his love was gone. "Hell," He thought more than once, "Even Marchie has a bloke. Not that I want a bloke. I'm not gay. Am I? No, I just want a girl. Don't I? I think I'd opt for anything at the moment. Even a sheep. Even a…" His eyes roamed around the table. "Even a Dormouse." Before Dormouse knew what was happening, Hatter had lunged. Dormouse felt some very desperate hands stroking his ears, fondling his whiskers, and pinching his arse, before he got hold of his senses and bit the Hatter. _Hard. _

"AIEEEEEEEE!" Hatter jumped about three feet in the air and knocked himself out on a tree branch. He fell back into his velvet armchair, like a sack of potatoes would hit the ground if they had been chucked off the Eiffel Tower. Hatter's head rolled around drunkenly for a minute- as if his neck had trouble holding its weight. Then suddenly his face hit the table full impact. BAM! A teacup whizzed through the air and hit a teapot- boiling liquid squirted everywhere, and the table now had the appearance that it had been danced on by somebody with no sense, only true, gay abandon. Break dancing- hahahahahaha. Since then, Hatter hadn't moved. Not an inch. He may have even been dead. (He wasn't but hey, it adds a bit of spice. 'He was dead- oh no, he wasn't. Was he? Who cares? I do. That's great.' I'll shut up now.)

It was only half way through the second week that Hatter finally woke up. It was the middle of the night, and he opened his eyes to find out he was completely alone. "Marchie?" He called into the darkness. "Dormouse?" Nobody answered. "Dang it!" Thought the Hatter, "What time is it?" His hand automatically tried to delve into a pocket that wasn't there. "What the f…" He started to grope his naked flesh wildly- desperately trying to find those useful scraps of material he called clothes.

"OH MY GOD!" The penny finally dropped. "WHAT SON-OF-A-BITCH HAS STOLEN MY CLOTHES?" He leapt to his feet. "MARCHIE!" He screamed, a mad glint in his eye. "YOU BLOODY POOF! IF THIS IS YOUR WAY OF COMING ONTO ME…" His voice trailed off, as he realised that Marchie was probably long gone. Practical jokers never stick around.

"Well if that's the way you want to play it…" Hatter ran out of the front gate, and straight into Tulgey Wood. "Fig leaves," he muttered. "Must find fig leaves..." After a long, pointless search, all Hatter had found was nettles. "Owch," he griped, after they had stung him painfully on the groin for the twelfth time. "This is _so_ not worth it…"

He bumbled around the dark woods for an hour or so, complaining every five seconds. "Bloody Marchie, bloody Dormouse… when I get my hands on them, I'll give them what for. Stealing my clothes! The White Rabbit's not enough for him, hey? He wants a piece of the Hatter. Well sorry to disappoint mate, but _this _Sex God _so _does not swing that way… OWCH! OH FOR CRAP SAKE!" With a burst of fury, Hatter ripped off his nettle leaves, and flung them into a bush. "HA!"

"Oh I say," A sinister- and very camp- voice (Dr Evil mixed with a dash of Julian Clary) came from a tree branch above Hatter's head. "Nice tackle."

"WHAT?????" Hatter looked up into the tree, and saw the Cheshire Cat lying lazily on a hammock of leaves. "Did…did…did you just say what I thought you said?" Hatter blustered, his hand unconsciously trying to protect his modesty.

"Hmm… what?" The Cheshire Cat looked down, and saw the most repulsive sight he had possibly ever seen. The Hatter, with his newly formed jelly-belly (too much cake) and huge bags under his eyes (too much booze) was standing under _his_ tree, completely naked. Cheshire Cat wasn't gay, but he was disappointed. Not long ago, the Hatter had been considered quite a catch. Wonderlanders for miles around, (men and women) wanted to spend a wild night with the bloke that, (if the rumours were true) had spent more than _one_ sweaty night with The Queen of Hearts. Now he looked like a washed –up wreck.

"Did you just say I had a nice tackle?" the Hatter tried to sound tough, like he'd take no shit from anyone- especially not this goon. Instead he sounded like he had inhaled a balloon full of helium. "Well, did you?"

"Indeed I did sir, but I was not referring to yours. Me and Mr Dodo up here," the Cat gestured towards the bird, "Have decided to amuse ourselves with some late night fishing. Tackle, see?" He showed Hatter a very modern fishing rod. "Do you like it?"

"Very nice," Hatter mumbled. God, he needed a drink. Or some Peanut Butter.

"We haven't actually caught anything yet," The Dodo's jovial voice joined the Cheshire Cat's, "But we will soon, not to worry!"

The full ridiculousness of the situation suddenly hit the Hatter full force. Some moron had stolen his clothes… he no longer deserved the title of _The Wonderland's Weekly_ 'Buffest Bod' award… he decided to wander into Tulgey Wood starkers, instead of doing the obvious thing and going into his house and putting on a spare change of clothes… the nettles had made him _very_ red and inflamed… and now some perve had complimented his bits, and tried to cover it up with some cock-and-bull story about late night fishing… the world started to spin. Hatter felt himself lean further and further backwards, until he hit the earthy ground with a thump. A mouse took the opportunity to run over his face and deposit his faeces on his chin. Aw, lovely.

"Oh what a delightful mackerel!" The Dodo reeled in his prize, and held it aloft with triumph. He must have conjured it out of mid air, as there was no water around for at least 100 miles. "I'll call him Henry." The Dodo took the poor, flapping 'Henry' and smacked him hard against the tree's trunk. "Henry's dead!"

"Well, throw him to the performing seal down there." The Cheshire Cat nodded his head down towards the spread- eagled Hatter. "Nothing like being slapped in the face by a big wet fish…"

The Dodo followed the Cat's gaze. "Nah," he said. "Let him lie. With some luck, people will find him in the morning and he'll be taken the piss out of for the rest of his life." Although the Dodo was jovial, he wasn't world renowned for his sympathy. "It _is _a nice tackle though."

"I know! It was only five- ninety- nine! NO? Urgh, you don't mean _his?_"

"Yes I do. It's quite big. What? A man can admire can't he?"

"Dodo?"

"Hmm?"

"Shut up."

NB: Tis meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Yeah, this is chapter two, written at half one in the morning. So if you think it's rubbish please feel free to send in your complaints… don't worry about my pain. Sniff. Anyways, Chapter 3 may be coming soon, and I'll write it at a decent time. That enough comfort for ya? Byeeeeeeeee x.


	3. The Queen and The Hatter

**3.**

**NB: Hello my readers (at the moment SamanthER Lmao that is you) this is chapter three. I am writing this on a lonely lunchtime… but it's only lonely because my friends are all writing FanFiction on other computers. Sigh. Anyways this is very uninspired as I have NO inspiration, but as I have nothing else to do… I decided to entertain people. Oh yes- and SamanthER Lmao when are you going to write a story? I've been waiting on edge for a whole three days now!!!! Okay… story. Yes. That's right. **

Hatter opened his eyes. It was morning and the sun was shining directly into his eyes. "Owch. Bugger." He rolled over and remembered what had happened last night. "CRAP!"

He jumped to his feet and looked down. Yep, still no clothes. "Cheshire Cat?" He called. "Dodo?" No answer. Hatter's eye twitched manically as he tried not to scream with frustration. Why did people think it was funny to humiliate and abandon him? Seething, he brushed off the earth and began to walk back to his house.

TAN-TAN-TARAAAAAAAAAAA! The violent sound of trumpets suddenly rent the air. "Everybody make way for your Majesty, your Royal Highness, the Greatest Woman in Wonderland… THE QUEEN OF HEARTS! Owch! Yes all right! I'm coming to it! Okay! Wait a second! AND THE KING. Happy now?" The White Rabbit, followed by a procession of card soldiers and the rest of the Royal Family came into view. Inwardly Hatter swore. He didn't need this. Furtively he hid behind a tree, closed his eyes and waited for the procession to pass.

"Boo." He opened his eyes, and less than a centimetre away from his face was the grinning Cheshire Cat. "You can't get away that easily. Dodo!"

Before Hatter could even attempt to run, Dodo grabbed him and slung him over his shoulder. "Get off me you sick bastard!" Hatter beat the Dodo with his fists but to no avail. With the expert throw of a bird well practiced (well practiced throwing naked men in the middle of a wood???) Dodo threw Hatter so he landed directly in front of the Queen.

"AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE" The Queen's screams made several card soldiers willingly commit suicide. "WHAT IS THIS???" The White Rabbit rushed over, and peered at Hatter with the air of an archaeologist not particularly interested in his find. "Well your Majesty, it looks like a naked man."

The Queen poked at Hatter with her sceptre. "Get up! Now!" Hatter got to his feet. The Queen stiffened. "Hatter?" She asked, uncertainly. "Is that you?" Hatter nodded. "But you look so different! Last time we had… had an _acquaintance_ you looked _fabulous_. What the HECK happened?"

Hatter bowed his head in shame. "I've just not been looking after myself I guess."

The Queen raised her eyebrows. How sweet. He'd missed her. "Go on."

"Well ever since Alice left me-"

"ALICE?!?" The Queen's roar knocked Hatter backwards. "WHO IS THIS _ALICE?"_

"You know Alice! Nice girl- nah actually she's a bit of a bitch. Golden hair… um… you played croquet with her once?"

"That Alice." The Queen was no longer shrieking, but her voice had softened dangerously. That was considerably worse.

"I'm sorry my dear- do you know this man?" The King stepped forward, looking Hatter up and down with ill-disguised distaste. Both the Queen and the Hatter ignored him.

"Yes, Alice. Well she left me and now I can't really be bothered with _anything_. Ever had that feeling? It's not very nice. All you want to do is shove your head in a bowl of custard and wait for suffocation. You know?"

Hatter was babbling, and the Queen was not listening. "Alice?" She spat. "Once you were devoted to _me. _OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

"You heard the Queen!" The King roared. He hadn't liked the way his wife and this…this _man_ had been talking. "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

"No!" Hatter struggled violently as six card soldiers grabbed him. "Get off me! White Rabbit! Help! Get Marchie! Quick!"

"Marchie?" The White Rabbit was baffled. "Who?"

"Don't play games with me! Get the March Hare!!"

"How the hell should I know where he is?"

"Well you should. You're his boyfriend."

"I'm _WHAT?" _The White Rabbit looked furious. "LIES!"

"Look Rabbit. We all know you're gay. You don't have to hide it anymore. Whatever floats your boat. Just get the March Hare. Please."

"I haven't any idea what you're talking about."

"OH FOR CHRISSAKES!" With an expert karate move, the Hatter elbowed the Ten of Diamonds in the face. Wary, the other card soldiers immediately let go. He leapt onto White Rabbit and started slapping him. "HE'S TOLD ME EVERYTHING, FOOL!!" He shrieked. "YOU BOTH HAVE LEATHER JACKETS, YOU BOTH BELONG TO THE YMCA, YOU ARE _BOTH_ GAY! NOW WHERE THE HELL IS MARCHIE?"

The White Rabbit pushed Hatter away. "You're sick," he growled. "I've never even _met _your friend the March Hare, and I don't think I want to. Whatever he told you, it's all LIES."

"But Marchie said…"

The White Rabbit had had enough. "BY ORDER OF THE QUEEN, OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" Card soldiers grabbed the Hatter and started dragging him away.

"MARCHIE I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GAY MARCHIE! GAY! I WOULD HAVE SUPPORTED YOU, BUT YOU LIED! AND NOW I'M LOSING YOUR HEAD BECAUSE OF _YOU._ MARCHIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Hatter's furious yells got fainter as he was dragged through the woods.

The Queen smiled. 'Alice' eh? Little children shouldn't play adult games. They could get _hurt. _More than one head could roll for this. But if things went her way… well, life could become a lot more _interesting. _

**NB: Bit of a short chapter, but I think it holds a certain **_**enigma. **_**Whatever. Read, (enjoy) and review please. I'll love you forever. Promise. **


	4. Marchie Vs Dormouse Vs Walrus

**4.**

**NB- No homework to do (or I just can't be bothered to do it) so here we go, Chapter Four. OH THE JOYS OF LIFE!!!!! Plus the March Hare will be making a REAPPEARANCE. It's about time, don't ya think???**

"Marchie! Come on, open up! This is important. MARCHIE!" Marchie groaned and opened his eyes. Turning over he was shocked to see the sun was high in the sky- it must be noon already! The March Hare hadn't been functioning well without Hatter. Even depressed, the Hatter was a lot more fun than just mooching around the house. And at least he got free cake from every visit. Yeah sure, the Dormouse had been visiting daily for the last week and a half, but thanks to his narcolepsy he wasn't exactly great company.

"Dormouse?"

"Zzzzzz."

"Dormouse!"

"Zzzzzz."

"DORMOUSE!"

"WHAT?"

"Can I ask you a question, mate?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"What's the meaning of life, Innit?"

"Zzzzzz."

As I said, their conversations weren't that fantastic. But today Dormouse sounded anything but sleepy. "MARCHIE COME ON!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming." Hare got out of bed and pulled on a tracksuit. Then he stuck on a baseball cap and a huge gold 'dollar' medallion. He looked at himself in the mirror. "Marchie, you is looking _gooood." _The Dormouse momentarily forgotten, Marchie began to strike poses in the mirror- with the sad air of a gangster wannabe trying to look 'hot'. Still, who was going to rain on his parade? He was nutty before, and over time he'd just happened to get nuttier. In Wonderland that wasn't so strange. Much.

"MARCHIE!" Dormouse once again interrupted Marchie's mirror antics. More than a little annoyed, Hare stomped out of his bedroom and flung open the front door. "WHAT?" He demanded, hands on his hips and wearing a snarl he hoped made him look like Clint Eastwood. It didn't. It made him look like a prat. "What do you want?"

"Look at this!" Dormouse shoved a newspaper into Marchie's hand. Lazily Marchie read the title.

**ANOTHER MAN TO LOSE HIS HEAD!**

In disgust, Marchie shoved the paper back into the Dormouse's face. "So what, mate? Headlines appear like this at least twice a day. It's how they keep the population down, Innit? I mean the Queen is a _nutter,_ but to be honest as long as we _keep out of her way _mate, I don't see why…"

"Look who it is," Dormouse handed the paper back. His voice was flat. "Just look."

Marchie cast an uninterested eye over the photo that took up most of the front page. Then he cast another eye that was a hell of a lot more shocked. And another. And another.

"W-w-w-w.." he began to stutter manically. "WHAT? What the hell is Hatter doing in the newspaper?"

"He's going to have his head chopped off, obviously."

"um… WHY?"

"Zzzzzz."

"DORMOUSE!"

"Wha'?"

"Why the hell is he naked? Why is he having his head cut off? What could he have possibly done? All this time I thought he was trying to get a bit of skirt, but in _less than two weeks _he's become a _criminal? _Dormouse! Answer me!"

"Read the article you lazy shit." Dormouse wasn't having any. Furious, Marchie began to read the article. A mixture of worry, anger and hunger pains were knotted in his stomach. It wasn't a great cocktail. "I think I'm gonna throw up mate."

"Just. Read. It." Marchie mentally slapped himself and started again. It wasn't good.

_**ANOTHER MAN TO LOSE HIS HEAD!**_

_Today, _The Wonderlander _is sad to say, the infamous Mad Hatter is going to lose his head. _

_The Mad Hatter- best known for his ridiculous hats, slight mental problems and high sex drive- has been arrested today in Tulgey Wood. The Queen and King of Hearts were having a short procession when out of the blue __"__Hatter came running out from behind a tree, naked and yelling the most awful obscenities.__"__ [King of Hearts]_

"_My wife an I were quite shocked, as we had no idea there was such dangerous criminals in Wonderland. Although our target recently has been the Cheshire Cat- the reward of bringing him to us still stands at 6,000 annacs- for multiple acts of ridicule towards the Royal Family, we didn't know that the Hatter had decided to take such madness one step further. He is obviously a pervert and a sex maniac, intent on shocking- and potentially harming- more innocent and vulnerable people than himself.__"_

_The Queen of Hearts, although at first too distraught to talk, soon regained her speech. __"__He__'__s deserved to have his head cut off a while back anyway,__"__ Her Majesty says, still recovering from the awful shock. __"__Not so long ago he tried to entertain me and my friends with a song entitled __"__Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat.__"__ It was the worst, most ridiculous song I__'__ve ever heard, and I wanted him dead straight away. However, the jury decided that bad singing was not enough to take life- why not? He murdered the song!- and unfortunately he managed to escape his sentence. This, I assure you Wonderlanders will not happen again, as calling the Matter Hatter a criminal would be an understatement. He__'__s Beelzebub himself.__"_

_The White Rabbit also had something to say. __"__The Mad Hatter is, quite literally, a mad man. Not only did he seriously harm the card soldier Ten of Diamonds, but also bestowed a great act of violence towards myself- punching me, beating me and ignoring my desperate pleas for him to stop. He also persistently called me gay- apparently I__'__ve been having an affair with his good friend The March Hare. This is obviously some warped fantasy the Hatter has been coming up with for some time, and in his desperation for it to be real, he has turned to mind altering drugs such as magic mushrooms- very common in Tulgey Wood. The man obviously has some serious perverted ideas, and- for the safety of Wonderland- needs to be disposed of at once. His execution will take place today at 6:00 pm. If any Wonderlanders want to see what is sure to be a good show, please be at Heart Palace by at least 5:30.__"_

The Wonderlander _has tried to interview the Hatter about this surprising behaviour, but his answer was __"__no comment.__"__ When pressed, his response was an enigma- __"__Why is a raven like a writing desk?__"__ Us at the office are still stumped folks. So that begins our new competition!_

"_**Why is a raven like a writing desk?**__**"**__** If you think you know the answer, phone in on 01636 865889, that**__**'**__**s 01636 865889! We will take your answer, and see if it matches the one Hatter will be tortured to give us. Whichever Wonderlanders are correct will immediately win a CASH PRIZE of 4,000 annacs! Then all winners will be put in the Hatter**__**'**__**s authentic top hat and ONE name will be drawn out to be the ULTIMATE WINNER! The prize is a luxury five star cruise on the Pool of Tears folks. So get phoning. Now!**_

"Jesus Christ." Marchie dropped the paper onto the floor. His paws clutched at his face and he tried to suppress a scream. "What have we done?"

"What have _you_ done!" The Dormouse interjected. "I didn't tell him that I was gay!"

"Well who nicked his clothes then, eh? Couldn't of possibly been you could it?"

The Dormouse blushed. "SEE!" Marchie poked him hard in the chest. "Not so innocent now, are ya?"

"You gonna do something about it?" The Dormouse rounded on Marchie, trying to look hard. EPIC FAIL.

"Yeah- maybe I am!" Hare was _well_ up for it.

"Come on then!"

"Alright pussy, I'm just limbering up. HI- YA!" Marchie punched the Dormouse full force in the face. Dormouse went flying. "Hell Yeah!" Punching the air in glory, Marchie fell to his knees and looked up at the sky. "I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE WOOORLD! OOOF!"

Not noticing that the Dormouse had recovered, the March Hare soon found this out when he was put into a violent headlock.

"WHO'S THE CHAMPION NOW, HUH?" Dormouse lifted Marchie over his head, and threw him with all his might.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO…." Marchie smacked full force into a window. There was a hideous sound of broken glass followed by an angry shout.

"WHO THE HELL THREW THIS PLONKER THROUGH MY WINDOW? THIS IS CRIMINAL DAMAGE!" An extremely irate walrus stuck his head through the mangled window and glared at the Dormouse.

"I did." The Dormouse glared right back.

"SO YA DID, DID YA?"

"YEAH- WHAT YA GOING TO DO?"

"RIGHT THAT'S IT. YO' ASS IS ASKING FOR SOME!" The Walrus waddled out of his front door, waving his flippers and a rather solid looking walking stick. "You damn whipper-snapper!"

"Wait for me!" An extremely bruised and bleeding March Hare limped out, also brandishing his fists.

I won't go into details. I'll just say that the sparring match was quick- and extremely bloody. There was no winner- all of them after half an hour were lying on the floor completely knocked out.

Hours later, the Walrus was the first to come round. "Where- where…" He looked at the two unconscious idiots lolling on the floor. "RIGHT." Picking them both up by the scruff of their neck, he dragged them to the March Hare's wheelie bin and stuffed them both in. "NOW PISS OFF."

Marchie came round half an hour later. "Huh? Rotten cabbage? Hey… how the hell did I end up in my wheelie bin?" He looked at Dormouse and remembered the fight. "Hey Twat." He woke the Dormouse up with a blow to his head.

"Wha-what?" The Dormouse opened his eyes, then jumped.

"I WON THE FIGHT! I WON THE FIGHT! I WON THE-" Another blow to the head from the March Hare served it's purpose. "I was just saying!"

"Look at the sun!" Marchie pointed at the sky. The sun was already pretty low.

"So what?"

"That means it's evening!"

"And…"

"The Hatter! He gets the chop at six!"

Dormouse looked at his watch. "Crap. It's five."

"We've only got an hour?"

"Looks like it."

"Quick mate! This is so not good man! We gotta get down dat road. We gotta get blinging!"

The Dormouse blinked. "Huh?"

"LET'S GO!"

"Zzzzzz."

"ARGHHHHHHH! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

**NB: So will they save the Mad Hatter? Will they get there in time? Does the Hatter **_**want**_** to be saved from death? What do you think? But if you like this story, please tune into chapter 5- probably being posted tomorrow. And yes, this story IS bizarre- but you know, I'd rather read this than a really depressing war story about DEATH. (Though that is a hell of a lot more likely to be awarded any book prize. Somehow, I can't really see this story being all that popular.) Thanks! XD. **


	5. Why is a raven like a writing desk?

**NB: Hey mortals! (Not that I'm immortal or anything- but there you go) Another day, another chapter. Getting kinda tired of this story now- but probably only cos I'm tired myself- only 5 hours last nite XD. I know some people THRIVE on a few hours sleep… but I don't think I'm one of those people. Unfortunately. It could be useful. Oh well. I'm completely off my rocking chair. So anyways, Hatter is in prison due to have his head… **_**removed**_** in an hour's time and Marchie and Dormouse have decided to save him. Unfortunately, they got distracted by a WALRUS ON THE EDGE. What will happen? Don't ask me cos I don't have a clue. It's called the art of MAKING IT UP AS YOU GO ALONG. Now back to the story. **

Hatter lay in his cell, looking up at the interesting paint splodges on the ceiling. What did that one look like? A dragon? Yes, definitely a dragon. Wearing a baseball cap… smoking a cigar… and possibly sitting on top of a small pig with _serious_ disabilities. Wow! What you could find when you were bored! It was amazing really. This was FASCINATING. Ah ha! _That_ one looks like a puppy on cannabis! And _that_ one looks headless chicken! Hahahahahahahahaha… Hold on. Headless? Wasn't he, the Hatter due to be headless in a matter of only hours? OH GOD!!!! Boredom was replaced by sheer panic. "LET ME OUT OF HERE! LET ME OUT!!!! PLEASE!!!"

Hatter threw himself against the bars. "PLEASE LET ME OUT! I'M INNOCENT! INNOCENT I SAY!" Nobody even bothered to reply. Hatter slumped against the floor and began to weep. What he wouldn't do to be back at home with Marchie and Dormouse, drinking tea and generally wasting time. Hell, he'd even let Marchie ruin another one of his pocket watches. Breadcrumbs were good. He could deal with breadcrumbs. Couldn't he? "ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!" he suddenly screamed. "NOT THE BREADCRUMBS! ANYTHING BUT THE BREADCRUMBS! BUT IT WAS THE _BEST _BUTTER YOU KNOW!" He carried on in this fashion for a while, realised that nobody was taking any notice of him, and then shut up. What did a Hatter have to do to get some _attention _around here? _And_ he was pretty hungry. Well, he hadn't eaten for a week and a half. "Huuuuuuuuuuuungry." He whined. No reaction.

"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGRY!" Nope. Zilch. So he'd tried pleading, insanity and now just plain whinging. Were these people _heartless? _Did they not _care_ that he could die of hunger? Well, no. They were gonna kill him anyway. Oh yeah. He'd forgotten about that.

"Hatter?" A low voice came from outside his cell. "Are you in there?"

Hatter quite rightly thought that this was a ridiculous question. "No." He said, sarcastic to the EXTREME. "I escaped hours ago."

"Oh right. Okay then." The footsteps began to walk away.

"Is he in there, Bill?" Another voice sprung out of nowhere.

"Nope. He's escaped."

"DAMMIT! I SHOULD HAVE UPPED THE SECURITY!" The voice that didn't belong to Bill was suddenly furious. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT BILL! I BLAME YOU ENTIRELY!"

"WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

"NOTHING! I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO BLAME!"

"AND YOU'VE CHOSEN ME HAVE YOU?"

"YEAH, MAYBE I HAVE!"

"Thank you very much. I'm flattered."

"Pleasure."

"Must do it again sometime."

"Only if you liked it."

"_Believe _me_._ I did."

Hatter listened to this exchange with growing disbelief. Surely not everyone in Wonderland was either gay, mental or a sex maniac? (As a matter of fact, everybody was. Once the world had run out of space to build any more mental asylums, Wonderland became the first country to have such offenders shipped there in the hope that they would just die. Unfortunately, too stupid to die- as they had not been given the necessary instructions- these people began to govern themselves, eventually ending up with the population and monarchy of today. If the government knew of this, Wonderland would have to be blown up AT ONCE. As it is, the government are blissfully unaware as the White Rabbit has the Saturday job of injecting forgetful potion in every worldwide politicians' biscuits. Any politicians that are on a diet are immediately put under hypnosis, then are held hostage in Wonderland prison for the rest of their days.)

"HEY!" He shouted, desperate to break-up the flirt/perve fest that was happening outside. "I'm still in here!"

"AN IMPOSTER!" The cell door was thrown open, and there stood a green lizard and a livid- looking salamander. "WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN THE MAD HATTER'S CELL?"

"Um… because I AM the Mad Hatter?" Hatter took a sweeping bow- again delighting in the joys of sarcastic farce. "At your service."

The salamander frowned and turned to the lizard. "I thought that you had received intelligence that the Hatter had escaped."

"I… I had. The voice in the cell said _quite _clearly that the Hatter had escaped hours ago." Bill looked like he was about to cry. Good. There needs to be more misery in this world.

"Yeah, yeah whatever," Salamander turned back to Hatter. "You're the Hatter you say?"

"Er… YES." The affirmative was like a bomb explosion.

"KER-CHING!" The salamander threw his head back and stared ecstatically at the ceiling. "Ooh- interesting paint splodge there. Looks like a dragon. Yes, a dragon. Smoking a cigarette and possibly sitting on a small pig with serious disabilities. Wow!"

"I thought perhaps he was smoking a cigar."

"IT DOESN'T MATTER! WHAT MATTERS IS THAT WE HAVE YOU!!!" The salamander threw his arms around the Hatter and squeezed him so hard steam came out his _nose. _Not his ears like you would expect. "I AM THE CHIEF EDITOR OF THE QUALITY NEWSPAPER _THE WONDERLANDER_ AND WE WANT AN INTERVIEW WITH _YOU_!" Suddenly Hatter found himself- his still _naked _self (nobody had thought to give him any clothes) on the salamander's knee.

"SO WHY DID YOU DO IT, HATTER? WHY DID YOU HARRASS THE QUEEN WITH YOUR PERVERTED ANTICS, ALLEGEDLY 'GAY-BASH' THE WHITE RABBIT, AND IN THE PROCESS, AQUIRE THE NAME OF A DANGEROUS MADMAN?" The amphibian began his 'interview' by screaming into the Hatter's face.

"Urm…"

"WHY HATTER? WHY?"

"You see, this is just a big mistake…"

"DID YOU FEEL THE NEED TO EXPRESS YOUR SELF TO THE QUEEN WITH YOUR NATURAL BODY? DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN SEXUAL FANTASIES ENTWINED WITH YOUR FRIEND THE MARCH HARE AND THE WHITE RABBIT? WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER USING MINT-FLAVOURED TOILET TISSUE?"

"No, no and mint _flavoured_? What the hell?"

"ARE YOU A DANGEROUS SEXUAL OFFENDER? DO YOU ENJOY THE SHOCK YOU HAVE UPON PEOPLE? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF A NEW BRAND OF T-SHIRT THAT SMELLS OF PEANUT BUTTER?"

"Look this is…"

"ANSWER THE QUESTIONS!"

"I _am _just…"

"ANSWER THE QUESTIONS!" The salamander was getting _too _irritating.

"Yeah, but…"

"ANSWER THE QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS!"

"NO COMMENT!" Hatter glared at the salamander, who seemed to be momentarily shocked into silence. But as I said, it was only momentarily.

"You mean you ADMIT to it? We've never had anyone STOOPID enough to do _that_ before!" Hatter thought this couldn't get any worse. Then Bill stepped in.

"What exactly do you mean by 'no comment'? Have you got something to HIDE?"

"NO, it's just…"

"Guilty conscience, Hatter?"

"NO, but…"

"Tell us more Hattie, Tell us more!"

"There isn't any more!"

"MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! PLEASE SIR! CAN WE HAVE SOME MORE???"

"MORE???" The Hatter was beginning to really see red.

"MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! M-"

"WHY IS A RAVEN LIKE A WRITING DESK??" Hatter screamed this out, so several windows in the building shattered. Immediately, all opera singers in the nearby area were FIRED and they went home, heads hanging in UTTER SHAME.

Hatter glared with _panache_ at Salamander and Bill whose mouths were hanging open in an amusing double act. Salamander (as bloody usual) was the first to regain his speech.

"Why…is…a…raven…like a writing desk? I don't know. Bill- what do YOU think?"

"I dunno… how about you?"

"I dunno… how about you?"

"I dunno… how about _you_?"

This interchange continued for a good fifteen minutes. Hatter exhaled loudly and looked at his watch. It was only 3 pm. 6 o'clock couldn't come fast enough.


	6. GIVE ME SANDWICHES!

6.

NB: I have had a request from my mother, who read this story (?!?!?) that somehow I manage to include a TRAMPOLINE in the next couple of chapters. I agreed. As I result I have now started TAKING REQUESTS for the next parts of this fic. It's challenging AND fun. So please give me your ideas. I will be grateful and buy you not only a COOKIE but also a JAR. Wow!!!!!

***

Marchie and Dormouse sprinted into Tulgey Wood, screaming as they did it.

"WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU HATTIE!"

"HANG IN THERE!"

They ran for about three minutes, then both collapsed to the ground with a stitch. "Ohhh." Marchie complained, rubbing his side. "I think I have a hernia."

"What's that?" Dormouse sat up sharply, and winced as pain tore through his stomach.

"No idea."

"Then how do you know you have one?"

"My dear Dormouse, one only says they DON'T KNOW to a question, when they literally _don't know, _or they can't be bothered to explain themselves to idiot's like you. I, quite frankly have better things to do with my hours. Innit." The 'innit' in Marchie's speech was quite half-hearted. NO! Must not go back to eccentric genius! That is where madness lies! Oh yeah. Darn it! Did barriers spring up in EVERY direction?

Dormouse thought about what Marchie had said regarding _not knowing _for a couple of seconds. Then his eyes narrowed with sudden understanding. "You don't actually have a clue, do you?"

"No."

"I knew it! WIN!" Dormouse started his victory dance of GLORY. "Step to the left, take it back now, yo. ONE HOP THIS TIME! ONE HOP THIS TIME!" When he started doing the 'cha cha' March Hare lost it.

"THAT'S ENOUGH." A slight bout of mild strangulation stopped the Dormouse's antics. Panting for air, he waved a white flag in Marchie's face.

"T...t…truce?" Dormouse choked. Obligingly, Marchie let go. Purple cheeked, Dormouse looked at his watch- a watch, that was in fact a grandfather clock strapped to his wrist. "Jeez," he whistled. "We only have 40 minutes."

"_40 minutes? Is that it?"_

"Yeah. Gutted." Dormouse yawned, and curled up on a pile of leaves. "I think we've left it a bit late TBH. I'll have a little nap, and we can arrange his funeral in the morning."

"ARE YOU FOR _REAL_?"

"Well, I was the last time I looked."

***

Meanwhile, in Wonderland prison, Hatter had been left alone. The two stupid interviewers from _The Wonderlander_ had gone, and finally he had been given fresh clothes. "These are nothing fancy," the guardsman explained, as he passed them through the bars, "Cos when you die, you won't be able to pay us back." He grinned a foolish grin. "Heard you punched Ten of Diamonds in the face. Brilliant, truly brilliant." He shook his head and looked at Hatter, still smiling. "Ten of Diamonds is the biggest ass ever to be in the pack and you _punch_ him? Brilliant." He was shaking his head so much in awe that Hatter was scared it was going to fall off.

"Alright," he said hurriedly, "I know it's brilliant. Thanks. And I elbowed him in the face, not punched him. But thanks. You can go now." Hatter beamed encouragingly. The guardsman took no notice.

"Brilliant." He repeated, still shaking his head. "Sheer brilliance." Hatter left him to it. Turning his back on him, he put on the bottle green trousers, purple shirt, crimson tie and yellow waistcoat.

"Brilliant. Just brilliant."

Hatter finally donned the huge lime green top hat he had been given. Ahh. That was better.

"Brilliant. You're a genius."

Hatter walked up to the guardsman, and waved a hand in front of his face. "Would you mind getting me some sandwiches? And perhaps a drink? Excuse me?" No reaction.

"You're brilliant."

"Yes, I _know_." Hatter sighed and sat down on the hard bench. Four o'clock. Two hours to go. Suddenly he realised that the voice advertising his brilliance had stopped. Cautiously, he walked up to the bars and looked out. The guardsman was lying on the floor, his head about three feet from his body. Oh. His head _had_ fallen off. Go figure.

"Clean up, cell 518!" Hatter called through the bars. A card soldier- Three of Clubs- walked over with a mop and bucket. When he looked at the guardsman, he groaned.

"Not another one." Shoving the head under his arm and grabbing the feet, he dragged the corpse away.

"SANDWICHES PLEASE!" Hatter called after him. Of course, there was no answer. Whining in a _very _immature way, Hatter sat on the floor and started drawing swirlies in the dust.

"Hatter, are you decent?" Yet another voice called outside his door. Wasn't death supposed to be peaceful? So far it bore more of a resemblance to that old TV programme "Fun House- The Fun Never Stops." Oh the IRONY.

"Yes, come in."

The Queen swept into the room. "Hatter, we need to talk. About _Alice._" She sat down on the bench, and indicated that he should follow suit. Mystified, Hatter didn't complain.

"Who exactly is she?" The Queen's voice for once didn't sound angry. It sounded soft, and sad. "Why is she so much better than I am? We had a future, Hatter. I really thought we did. Then the King started to find out about the little… _meetings_, and I had to stop Hatter. I didn't have a choice."

The Mad Hatter was lost for words. Instead he looked at the floor- his hunger, fear and anger forgotten.

"It was fun, wasn't it?" The Queen persisted. "It was _wild._ I would have done anything for you- at one point. Well, at one point, I actually thought I loved you. But then of course the King began to enquire about _everything, _and I lost you. Then there was Alice. Tell me about her."

"I don't really want to."

"_Please._" The Queen's eyes betrayed everything. Hatter's resolve broke.

"I liked her from that first day. But I offended her, I think. She didn't like my nonsense, and when I suggested her hair wanted cutting she took that _completely _the wrong way. Well, I was astounded. She didn't seem a _bit_ attracted to me, and I was shocked. I'd never had to _try_ before. So the next time I saw Alice- a few weeks later- I _tried. _I was flirty, I was charming. We clicked. Then she left me. That's everything." Hatter's head was bowed, and he struggled not to cry.

"It's not everything is it? I can see it written all over your face." The Queen laid a hand on his knee. "Tell me. I ask you."

Hatter felt surprisingly warmed from her touch. It was almost like old times again. Before Alice. He carried on. "Well after a few months, things began to change- more _intense_. I couldn't see anybody in clear focus, apart from _her. _Her laugh was my sunshine-"

A guard outside the cell that had heard that part of the conversation, promptly puked. "Oh, _man_!"

"-She changed my life. Transformed it. I stopped feeling like some sort of _gigolo _and more like a real person. It didn't take much working out to realise I was in love."

"BLEURGH!" A fresh wave of vomit spattered the flagstones.

"WILL YOU SHUT _UP_ OUT THERE? Then, as always, something changed. Alice became colder, and more distant. She stopped visiting so much, but when she did, I could tell the dynamic had altered." The Queen's hand had moved from his leg to around his waist. Shivering slightly, he carried on. "In the end, I demanded she told me what was going on. I loved her too much to see her so icy, so _disinterested._ So she told me. Been seeing more of someone, she said. Someone that was less of a womaniser, less of a fool. I asked who. The Frog Footman she said. At least she was honest. Then she left and I never got over it. End of."

The Queen nodded. "You loved her then?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever love me?"

The Hatter looked her straight in the eye. "No."

He expected the Queen's porcelain skin to become red, and her dark brown eyes to flash with fury. Instead she cupped his face. "Do you think you ever could?"

Hatter stared at her. He saw her light, pleasing frame, and her raven hair- dead straight to her waist. He saw her red, red lips that contrasted with her white skin, and her eyes that at the moment looked like melting chocolate. She wasn't Alice. But she was beautiful.

"I don't know-"

Taking advantage of his open mouth, the Queen leaned over and stopped his words with a kiss.

**NB: I **_**know, **_**I**_** know. **_**Romance- bleugh. But believe me, it was needed. This story needs a happy balance between tragedy, love, laughter and medium. Unfortuantely I'm way, **_**way **_**off the mark. Oh wells. I'm not complaining. AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU. Love ya all really XD, Twonk. **


	7. Alice

7.

**NB: Hi, I'm bored, so I'd thought I'd write some more. If the story is getting too long, PLEASE tell me, so I don't bore the PANTS off you. Starting another fic soon too, so then I'll have 3 Alice in Wonderland stories on the go. Oh God- I'm going to fail my AS's. Meh. **

The Hatter pushed the Queen away. "I can't do this."

"What? _Why?_" The Queen didn't look angry, but hurt. She tucked her ebony hair behind her ear, and pursed her rosebud mouth.

"I don't know. I thought I could, but I can't. It's too soon, too painful. And it's all for the wrong reasons." Hatter stared at the floor, his face a picture of misery.

"Not even if it will save your life?"

Let's admit it. He was sorely tempted. This isn't a story where the 'honest young man' "honestly" tells his gal that he's been leading her on. Oh no. Too much of a cliché my dears. No, I can tell you that the Hatter was so tempted to keep his head (can you blame him?) that he was about to throw himself into the Queen's arms and scream "YES! ANYTHING! AS LONG AS THE LIGHT IS SWITCHED OFF!" When suddenly the Queen scrambled to her feet.

"I've been a fool." Her face was hard and unforgiving.

"NO!" Hatter protested, "You haven't, you've been fab! What did you say about saving my life…?"

"Is that all you care about, Hatter? Your life being saved?"

"YES! I mean no…"

"Wrong answer. I look forward to six- OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!" The Queen burst into manic laughter, and swept from the cell. It was only outside when she felt it was safe to burst into tears.

*******

"All we need to do is think of a plan." Marchie and Dormouse were still in Tulgey Wood. They now had half an hour to save Hatter's life, and it was looking impossible. Dormouse was well up for letting Hatter be beheaded then turning up for his funeral, but Marchie disagreed. A funeral would be too expensive.

"We need a way in which we can sneak into the palace grounds and take him away with nobody seeing." Hare was still musing _how_ to get into the place grounds exactly.

"That's gonna be kind of hard." Dormouse loved to make things complicated.

"Why?"

"Cos it's half five. Don't the crowds start gathering then?"

"Good point. What can we do? We need something that will attract Hatter's attention, something that will make him _want _to escape. Something that will get us over those palace walls and will SAVE HATTER'S ASS!"

"We need a trampoline." Like a light bulb appearing over his head, Dormouse had had an idea. "We _need_ a _trampoline_. Then we can place it _outside _the palace walls and keep jumping and…"

"A TRAMPOLINE! That's BRILLIANT! INNIT!" Marchie grabbed Dormouse and swung him round his head. Then he frowned. "But what will we use to attract his attention?"

"Um… US?"

"Don't be stupid. He's not attracted to us. We need Alice."

"Alice? Why?"

Marchie smiled a smug smile. "Because that's who is most likely to be able to save Hatter. He'll see _us_ and only make a half-hearted attempt to escape. He'll see _her_ and BAM! We have one escaped maniac. See?"

"She won't agree."

"Yes she will." Hare pulled out a wallet stuffed with annacs. "It's called bribery, dear friend."

"You're despicable."

"Yes. I know."

***** **

It was half four- one and a half hours until Hatter's death. Hatter hadn't moved since the Queen had left. Why bother? No sign of Dormouse, no sign of Marchie… Some friends. He was as good as dead.

"Hatter! We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!"

Correction: he _was _dead. The door was thrown open, and there stood Bill and Salamander carrying what looked like a giant corkscrew, a hacksaw, a meat cleaver and a hammer. What?!?

"We need an answer, Hatter." Bill stepped forward, brandishing the hacksaw. "Or we'll cut off your leg."

Hatter went pale. An answer to what? And _he_ was the one that going to be murdered for being a dangerous lunatic? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh I think you do." Salamander stepped forward, holding the giant corkscrew.

"No, I _really _don't."

"But you do."

"But I DON'T."

"DON'T YOU PLAY THE WISE GUY WITH ME!"

"I'M NOT, YOU TARD!"

"Oh. Ok."

There was a long silence. All three of them looked at the ceiling, and shuffled their feet for a few minutes. Then Hatter got bored.

"So… why did you want me again?"

Salamander blushed. " Um…Why is a raven like a writing desk? Just asking 'cos you know, we holding this competition in _The Wonderlander_ and we need to know the answer… "

Hatter rolled his eyes. "So you were going to torture it out of me?"

"YEAH!" Bill waved his hacksaw joyfully. "Isn't it great?"

"NO NEED." Hatter screamed with relief. "There is no answer. I made it up ages ago. THERE IS NO ANSWER!"

Salamander blinked. "No answer? So we can take people's money for phone calls, then finally reveal there's NO ANSWER so we don't have to pay for the prizes? THAT'S BRILLIANT!"

"Yeah- can we not start the whole that's brilliant thing again?"

"Sure, whatever you want. Can we torture you anyway?"

"No-o-o-o."

"Okie Doke. See ya later."

"Bye." Hatter watched as Salamander and Bill left. Hopefully, he'd never have to see _them _again. And they still wanted to torture him! Cheeky Biatches. Ahh. At last… some peace. Haha. Not. There was yet another knock.

"Hatter?"

"WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT OFF ME?!?"

"Nothing." It was the Six of Hearts. "It's half five. It's time to make our way to the executioner's platform." DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!

*******

"Alice?" Marchie banged on the door of The Frog Footman's home.

"I'm coming!" A silvery voice laughed. "Just a second!" Alice pulled open the door, a beatific smile on her face. Then it dropped. "Oh." She said, like she had just stepped in dog muck. "It's you guys." Her hair was suspiciously mussed, and her mascara was smudged.

"We need your help." Marchie pleaded. It wasn't looking good. Alice had never liked him.

"Why would I want to help _you?" _The sneer on her face reminded March Hare why he'd never liked her much either.

"It's the Hatter. He's having his head _removed _in… in twenty minutes. We need your help to save him."

"Left it a bit late, haven't you? No." Alice tried to close the door in Marchie's face. He stopped it with his paw.

"Please. He'll die. Haven't you hurt him enough without killing him too?" Hare knew where to hurt. Accuse her of murder. It was bound to make her furious.

"That's a low blow March Hare! And what am I going to tell Froggie? Excuse me while I go and save my Ex- Boyfriend?" Yeah-it worked.

"I don't see why not." March Hare was getting mad. Hatter had done a lot for her- he'd even given up casual sex. What was her _problem_?

"WELL I'M NOT DOING IT!" Alice screamed. Marchie blanched- Alice had never been a screamer. 'Froggie' couldn't be doing her good. He shrugged.

"Fine then, you selfish bitch. We'll save him ourselves. Come on Dormouse." Marchie and Dormouse stalked off. Five seconds later, there was a cry.

"Fine! What do you want me to do?" Hare grinned. He wasn't going to have to pay funeral charges after all.

**NB: Yeah, I'm thinking one or two more chapters at the most. I hope you're enjoying this story and I'll finish it soon. Then I can start another. XD.**


	8. The Rescue Almost

**NB: Hello, haven't updated for a while (for me anyway) and I think I need to, so I can get with my new fic **_**Murder and Madness. **_**And you know me, (well actually you don't, but hey) I don't like to leave a story unfinished. Although I often do. My room is littered with half finished stories. Oh well. My **_**genius**_** will just have to go to waste- LMFAO. So yes. Hatter's escape. Hmmmm. How shall I do this… yes, I think so. **

Alice, Dormouse and Marchie were running towards the Palace as fast as their stumps could carry them (yes, I'm AWARE there has been a LOT of running in this fic). Alice had been filled in on 'the plan', but to be honest, she wasn't that keen.

"I can't believe I'm doing this."

Dormouse and Marchie ignored her. It was only the fifteenth _thousandth_ time she had said this on the journey- aka the last three minutes- and it was getting ever so slightly INFURIATING. To distract himself, Marchie turned to Dormouse. "Don't we need a trampoline?"

"I can't believe I'm DOING this."

"Yes. But um… where from?"

"I can't BELIEVE I'm DOING this."

"Waddaya mean _where from? _The trampoline was YOUR idea!"

"I CAN'T believe I'm doing THIS."

"SO? And because it was my idea, _I'm_ supposed to get the damn thing am I?"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'm doing this."

"Well that is generally the rules of etiquette YES."

"I CANNAE BELIEVE I'm doing this, hen." In her desperation to be noticed, Alice had started talking in a bizarre Scottish accent. She sounded like a man from Glasgow that had a heavy cold, as well as a serious drink problem. Dormouse and Marchie gave her a passing glance for, oooh, two seconds, and then carried on with their argument.

"Why am I expected to do EVERYTHING? If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even know that Hatter was going to get the chop!"

"Ich kann NICHT glauben ich bin DABAI!" Now it was German. If Alice thought she was going to silence the two creatures with her bedazzling use of language skills, SHE WAS WRONG. Neither Dormouse nor Marchie actually gave a shit. Marchie because he was fluent himself in 72 different languages, including DrunkenSlurringAfterANightOut (actually quite a hard lingo to get the hang of) and Dormouse… well Dormouse wouldn't know a foreign language if it hit him in the face. With a brick.

"OH! So you're playing THAT card-"

"私はこんなことやってるなんて信じられない!"

"WILL YOU SHUT _THE FUCK_ UP?" March Hare grabbed a fistful of Alice's dress and pulled her youthful face close to his furry, furious one. Alice saw the little green men dancing in Hare's pupils (an obvious sign of killing her without a second thought) so she nodded.

"GOOD. Anyway… what was I saying?" Marchie looked enquiringly at the Dormouse.

"You said something like… 'So you're playing THAT card.'"

"THAT'S THE ONE! So you're playing THAT card? YOU BASTARD!" Marchie lunged towards the Dormouse, but something got in his way.

WHAP. March Hare hit what seemed like a concrete wall full force. "OOOOOOOOOW-WAH!"

"Hello! How do you do, and let's shake hands!"

Hare looked up and saw two of the most fat, stupid faces he had ever seen. Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee- the two most time consuming people in Wonderland. This was the pair that refused to release you from their company until you had been properly 'introduced'- even if you had been 'introduced' many, _many _times before. These were the two people that _insisted_ on proclaiming "The Walrus and The Carpenter," until you were insane with boredom. In fact, these were the two that had made more poor citizens commit mass suicide, than any other couple in the KNOWN WORLD (even more than Richard and Judy).

Bugger.

***

"NO!" Hatter grabbed the Six of Hearts by his legs, and clung on, crying piteously. "I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"

"How old are you?" The Six of Diamonds didn't _seem_ malicious, so Hatter decided to tell him.

"Um… 25."

"You're right. You ARE too young to die. I thought you were at least 40." Nah, he _was_ being malicious.

"What?"

"Maybe 45. Face it, luv, you look _old."_

"And _your _face will look very attractive stuffed down the nearest loo seat." Hatter knew it was ridiculous having this argument at this late stage of his life, but he savoured it. Maybe if he could carry on this argument for A VERY LONG TIME he would not have to be executed after all! GENIUS!

"You know what Six of Hearts?" Hatter said, desperation making him sweat in torrents. "I think…" He wracked his brains, furiously searching his mental banks for a suitable profanity. "I think that… Well, I think that you…"

Six of Hearts had his arms folded, and was looking at Hatter with his eyebrows raised in mock patience. "Yes?"

"I think… I think that you suck." Hatter bowed his head in utter shame. Epic fail to the EXTREME. Six of Hearts, however, seemed quite affronted.

"You… you… you think that I suck?" A single tear slid down his face. Hatter grinned.

"YES!" He shouted, escape fully on his mind. "You DO suck! Bwah ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaa!"

Six of Hearts shrugged. "Oh well. Can't change the truth. Shame. Come on." Six grabbed Hatter's wrists and started hauling him out of the cell. Hatter screamed.

"WAIT!"

"WHAT?"

Hatter paused. What could distract Six for long enough that he could escape into the sunset _and never be seen again? _He got it.

"I'm… I'm your REAL FATHER."

There was quite a long silence. Then Six finally spoke. "Oh sorry, I'm supposed to react, aren't I? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He fell to his knees. This gave Hatter the ideal opportunity to leg it, but, being a bit of a dumb shit, he decided to play the 'I'm – so- offended' line.

"Hey, I wouldn't be _that _bad as a father."

"Yes you would. It would also be a miracle of modern science."

"How would it?"

"You're 20…5 you say?"

"Yeah…"

"I'm 37."

Dammit. So the lie had been UNCOVERED. And it had been so CONVINCING too.

"What the hell." Hatter had finally given up. "Clap me in irons. Send me to my death. Don't worry about me."

"I assure you. I won't." Six smirked. "And now let's take you to your DOOM!"

"Fine." Hatter shrugged and held out his arms.

Six was disappointed. This was no _fun_. "Can't you protest a _bit? _Just a _weeny_ little bit?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Can't be bothered."

"Fair enough." Six popped his lips nonchalantly.

"Yep. Shall we go?"

***

"Look, you have to let us go!" Marchie pleaded with Tweedle Dee, who was sitting on top of him. Having refused to be properly introduced, Marchie, Alice and Dormouse had tried to dodge around these two characters, only to find that they did not like being ignored. Not one bit. Before even Alice could scream, Tweedle Dum had straddled both her and the Dormouse, and now both were singing that well known tune "You are old, Father William."

"We have to save Hatter!" Marchie was getting desperate. If this _lump_ didn't get off him soon, he would suffocate. Quite frankly, a blessing in disguise. "Please!"

"_You are old Father William the Young man said…"_

" You don't understand!"

"_And your hair has become very white…"_

"GET OFF! YOU ARE BOTH MORBIDLY OBESE!"

"_And yet you incessantly stand on your head…" _

Marchie gave up. It was too late. "We didn't even get the trampoline…" he muttered. He closed his eyes and began to accept fate, when suddenly he felt the enormous weight lifted off him. Startled, he looked up. Both Tweedles were looking at him, an expression of pure joy on their faces. "Did you say trampoline?" They cried simultaneously.

Marchie glanced at Alice who looked equally bemused. "Um… yes?"

"WE HAVE ONE!"

"You… you DO?"

"YEP. INDEEDY DOO DA DAY!"

Alice stepped forward, as she could see that the March Hare's brain had momentarily dropped out. "Can we have it please?" Her voice matched that exactly of a schoolteacher trying to coax a naughty child. Surprisingly, the Tweedle fools nodded.

"YES!"

Alice smiled. However, Marchie could smell a rat.

"But…?"

Tweedle Dum smiled an evil smile.

"BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO LISTEN TO A _SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!"_

"Oh God, no."

Alice nudged him. "Do you want the trampoline or what?"

"Or what."

"DON'T YOU _DARE…"_

"Look, we're too late anyway…"

"We still have ten minutes."

Marchie looked at Alice in surprise. Her face was pleading- it was like she actually _wanted_ to save Hatter from his death. Marchie looked at Dormouse, who nodded and mouthed 'do it. Just listen.' Hare shrugged.

"What song is it?"

It was Tweedle Dee's turn to grin like a demon on drugs. "A surprise."

"Okay, be quick."

"_THE SUN WAS SHINING ON THE SEA, SHINING WITH ALL IT'S MIGHT…"_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…"

**NB: I know it seems like I am putting off the Hatter's rescue. And yes, it's true. I've got quite attached to these characters and in a way, I don't want them to end. But the rescue will be in the NEXT CHAPTER I promise. PROMISE. And I think I'm obsessed with dialogue. Oh well. **


	9. The Penultimate Peril

**NB: So. The penultimate chapter. I love that word. Penultimate. Pen-ul-ti-mate. So, the Hatters escape. Will he? Won't he? What about him and Alice? What's in store for **_**them? **_**Read and find out. I never intended this story to be this long. Actually it was first intended to be a one shot. Gutted. I've destroyed you all. Moo ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. **

It was time. Hatter was thrust upon stage by a grinning Six of Hearts. A cheer went up from the crowd.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"GIVE THE CHOP! GIVE THE CHOP! GIVE THE CHOP!"

Hatter didn't even bother to throw a violent hand gesture. Instead he bowed his head and let the ovation to wash over him.

"Okay up there?" Six of Hearts waved up at him, a malevolent beam stretching ear to ear. Hatter didn't even bother to reply.

"Got a bit of stage fright have ya?" Ten of Diamonds joined in the fray. "Well break a leg!"

"Yeah," now it was Five of Clubs. "Don't lose your head up there!"

All three turned around and gave each other a high five. Hatter saw not only red, but all the colours of the rainbow. Was it usual to have psychedelic visions before the most humiliating demise of all time? Oh yes, the Hatter with all his reputation, was about to meet his downfall. Shame.

"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUNNY!" He screamed, his face a mask of misery. "BUT ACTUALLY YOU'RE JUST _SOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ IMMATURE!"

"Whatever love," Ten of Diamonds did the three zigzag shaped clicks. Chav. "No use getting all stressy like a headless chicken."

"ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Hatter dived of the stage and landed on Five of Clubs. Gasping with rage, he fastened his hands around the card soldier's neck. "WILL YOU _STOP _RUBBING IT IN?"

"I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!"

Hatter looked at Five and sighed. "If it wasn't you, who did?"

"It was Ten! TEN I SAY!"

Hatter looked at Ten. Sure enough, Ten was the one that had the smug-prick look plastered across his ugly mug. Hatter glanced back to Five.

"Sorry."

"Forgiven."

"Really? Thanks. ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Hatter leapt onto Ten of Diamonds, his face twisted into a savage snarl that could counter Freddie Kruger's. "I KILL YOU!"

But Ten was ready. "NO!" He grabbed Hatter and lobbed him back onto the platform. "WE KILL _YOU! _MEN!" Twenty card soldiers somersaulted onto the podium, and pinned the struggling Mad Hatter to the floor. "DON'T LET GO OF HIM!" Ten of Diamonds gave them orders, "QUICK- TO THE BLOCK!"

"NO! PLEASE! SOMEBODY HELP! MARCHIE! MAAAAAAAAAARCHIE!" Hatter struggled against the cards. Why hadn't Marchie come to help him? Didn't he care? All of a sudden, Hatter finally SAW THE LIGHT.

Whilst he had been sitting there getting depressed, Marchie had always been there for him. He had gotten ever so slightly irritating, sure, but then again, so had Hatter himself. And weren't friends _supposed_ to _love_ each other's faults? Marchie's new, gangsta- like ways could be seen as… cute. And Dormouse falling asleep was… infuriating. Hatter mentally slapped himself. Did he say infuriating? He meant… nah, he meant what he said. But he could have lived with it. And as for Alice… he needed to get over her. Sure, he had been dumped. So what? It happens. He needed to escape. No more of this useless arguing. No more of these fights. He needed to get away, and start again. He would be the Mad Hatter NO MORE.

***

"THE END."

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee took a bow. Alice clapped politely, a strained smile on her face. Marchie stopped screaming. Dormouse woke up. "Huh? Oh very good… very good."

There was a small silence. Then,

"AND NOW FOR OUR SECOND PERFORMANCE! HOW DOTH THE LITTLE CROCODILE…"

"I don't think so." Marchie stood up. "I think you owe us one trampoline."

"WE DON'T HAVE A TRAMPOLINE!"

"You… you… you WHAT?"

Surprisingly, this wasn't Marchie. This was Alice. "You little LIARS!" She grabbed Tweedle Dum and pulled his face right up to hers. "You'll have to do."

"Do… do what?"

"You're fat. And you bounce. You can be our trampoline."

"Haha. No thanks."

"I'm not asking. I'm bloody telling. THE PALACE!"

For the first time ever, Marchie looked at Alice with respect. "You don't pull any punches."

Alice blushed. "I can't afford to."

March Hare shook his head wonderingly. "I'll never believe it. To the Palace."

***

"Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen!" Salamander stood up and faced the crowd. " Welcome to the beheading of Mr Hatter. I'm sure you all will enjoy the show. BUT FIRST!" He revealed an official- looking piece of paper. "FOR THE DECLARATION OF THE WINNERS OF OUR COMPETITION _WHY IS A RAVEN LIKE A WRITING DESK_!"

A roar of joy came from the throng. "WE WANT PRIZES! PRIZES! PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIZES!" They were animals. Literally. Well, a few were birds. Some could pass for human. But other than that…

"I'M HAPPY TO SAY…" The Salamander carried on, "THAT TODAY THERE WAS…"

The mob held their breath. Several had their eyes closed and their fingers crossed. "Please." A starfish was praying. "Please let me win."

"… NO WINNERS. SORRY FOLKS. THE ANSWER WAS THAT THERE…"

None of the crowd bothered to listen. The Salamander was forcibly dragged off stage, and several people began to batter him. "Take that ya bastard!" An owl smashed a beer bottle over his head. This began the true riot.

"Yeah!" A pig smoking a green cigarette smashed an ashtray into his face.

Salamander tried to fight back. No. Those poor, cheated people were far too furious. Every time the amphibian tried to defend himself, he'd either have something smashed over his head, or more buckshot peppered into his stomach. Finally, left for dead, he crawled up to the platform.

"Escaaaaaaaaape." He wheezed. Hatter, who had been looking upon this nugget of violence with more than some amusement, looked down in surprise.

"Escaaaaaaaaaaaape." The Salamander placed his bloody hand on Hatter's foot. Hatter grinned.

"Hey guys!" He yelled. The rioting animals looked around in surprise. "You didn't quite finish him off!" He pointed towards the Salamander.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Several creatures jumped on to the amphibian's already broken back and started pummelling him.

"No winners? We'll give you no fucking winners!"

It didn't take much until it was all over. Salamander got taken away in a stretcher, a sheet pulled over his head.

"Nobody panic," the King of Hearts held up a regal hand. "The body has been disposed of. We now may commence with beheading of… Mr Hatter."

Nobody was panicking. Nobody cared about the 'show'. All of them, however, we extremely pissed off.

"This sucks!" The Unicorn bellowed. "We don't even get refreshments!"

"YEAH!" yelled the crowd. "WE WANT CAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

"What's the Hatter ever done to you?!" The Lion chipped in. "This isn't fair! The Hatter is a respectable man in society. I think he was framed!"

"YEAH!" The throng agreed again. "WE WANT CAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

The King went red. "Well… I…I…I… my dear?" He turned inquiringly towards the Queen.

The Queen stared at the crowd, her beautiful face growing uglier by the second. Then she glared at the Hatter who was still standing there, his face etched with lines of laughter. Her stomach went weak. She loved it when he laughed. And now the bags under his eyes were gone… he looked better. Much better. It wouldn't take long for him to get rid of that flab. He was still the most handsome man in Wonderland…

She stared at his short, messy blond hair.

She stared at his deep brown eyes.

She stared at his perfect bone structure.

She stared at his golden tan.

Then she remembered the knock-back.

"OFF WITH HIS HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

40 Card soldiers grabbed the Hatter, and took him to the block. His head was forced down. Urgh. There was still blood on it. The executioner stepped on to the platform. Slowly, it lifted the veil off it's face.

"Hello my dear boy. Got yourself into a bit of a sticky situation haven't you, what?" It was the Cheshire Cat. "Well, much as it is corking to see you, it's time I did my duty, so…" He swung up the axe. Hatter closed his eyes and…

_BOING_

"COOOOEEE! HATTER!" Ignoring the axe behind him, Hatter sat up in surprise. The blade missed him by inches.

"What?" He swore he had just seen Marchie.

_BOING_

"HATTER! IT'S MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" There! He had seen Marchie again!

"MARCHIE!" He screamed. "YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME! QUICK!"

"NO!" The Queen stormed up onto the stage. "Cat, stop standing there and _DO YOUR JOB!" _

Hatter ran towards the wall. "NEXT TIME YOU JUMP, GRAB MY HANDS!"

"NO PROBLEMO!" Marchie's voice rose within earshot. "JUST SENDING SOMEONE UP!"

_Someone? _"OKAY!" Hatter screamed. "HURRY UP!" The Queen had wrenched the axe out of Cheshire's paws, and was now swinging the cleaver towards Hatter herself.

_BOING_

"Hello Hatter," A beautiful face appeared, accompanied by clouds of golden, billowing hair.

"Alice…?" In his shock, Hatter dropped his hands.

The Queen swung her axe.


	10. Goodbye Hatter

NB: The last chapter. This sounds really sad, but I actually am going to cry. The Hatter and I… we should be like DAT. And Marchie would be a great friend too. Dormouse… not so much. And I know this story isn't particularly brilliantly written, but I reckon I have connected more with these characters than any others I have ever written about. Waah. Ah well, all good things come to an end. LMAO.

"NOOOOOOO!" Marchie's scream could be heard right across Wonderland. "Not my Hatter, not him. Anyone but him!" He dropped to the ground, sobbing.

"Marchie…" Dormouse was pointing at something.

"All my life, it's been me and Hatter. All _our _lives. TheMadHatterandMarchHare. Our names have been entwined, one word. I can't live without him Dormouse. I can't. "

"Marchie, calm down."

"Where's Alice? Pissed off I suppose. She couldn't care less. She broke his heart. And now she's broken mine. What is there left to live for Dormouse? There is nothing left to live for. _Nothing._"

"Marchie, Alice…"

"I loved him you know. How could you not love a friend that close to your heart? He was the best. THE BEST. And yet he had to die in this humiliating way. I do anything to have him back. Anything."

"Marchie, really…"

"Why aren't you upset? And you, Tweedle Dum, why are you smirking? You're all heartless bastards. I loved him, I really did. HATTER!"

"Marchie." A warm voice- a familiar voice- rang through the air.

Hearing these tones he knew so well, Marchie looked up. He blinked. Again. And again. His face curved into a small smile. "I…I…I must be imagining things."

"How could you imagine ME? That's an insult!" Hatter stepped forward. "Anyway… you know I wouldn't die on you."

"But… I saw it over the wall! The swing of the axe! The blood…" Marchie's voice trailed off in utter bewilderment.

"I ducked. I actually managed to escape. But… but somebody else, um… felt the blow instead. The person that jumped. I'm so glad it wasn't you."

March Hare turned to see what Hatter was staring at. There, ten feet away was Alice. Her body lay crumpled on the ground, and a dark stain was spreading from her neck. A couple of metres further on rested her head, a haunting expression of surprise marked forever on its features. Her blue eyes were open and wide- the usual light from them gone. Hare glanced at Hatter. He was crying silently, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"Oh, Alice." The Not-So-Mad Hatter walked towards her disjointed body. "If it could have been any other way…" He knelt down and stroked her cheeks. "I loved you right until the end. And I always will. I don't care if you've hurt me in the past. I don't care if you're dead. I still adore you with all my heart."

"Sounds like necrophilia if you ask me," Tweedle Dum muttered. Dormouse punched him.

Marchie approached Hatter. "It's done. We can't go back. I can see why you loved her. She was a good woman." He expected Hatter to ignore him, so was surprised when his friend met his gaze.

"You never liked her." The voice wasn't accusing, but confused. Marchie shrugged.

"I didn't t first. And not for a long time after. But once she got used to the idea of saving you… I think she actually cared if you lived or died. She did love you, Hatter. Just not enough."

"Not enough…" Hatter stared into the oncoming sunset. "I don't think I loved _her_ enough either."

"You did! You would have done anything for her!"

"But I didn't love her enough to let her go."

Nobody spoke for several minutes. Hatter stared into the sunset, Marchie along with him. There was a cough.

"Can I go home now?" Tweedle Dum shuffled his feet, embarrassed. All three creatures looked at him in shock. They had completely forgotten about the fat fool.

"Sure," Dormouse was the first to speak. "See you around."

Tweedle walked up to Hatter. He placed a heavy hand on his shoulder- the best gesture of sympathy he knew. He wasn't too stunned when Hatter didn't look up. "I'm really sorry. I wish I knew what to say."

Silence.

"_The sun was shining on the sea, _

_Shining with all its might._

_It did it's very best to make,_

_The billows smooth and bright._

_And this was odd, because it was,_

_The middle of the night. ..." _

Nobody tried to stop him. His voice wasn't the usual hyper blast, but song-like, lulling.

_"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,  
"You've had a pleasant run!  
Shall we be trotting home again?'  
But answer came there none--  
And this was scarcely odd, because  
They'd eaten every one." _

With that, Tweedle Dum didn't say anything else, but walked off into Tulgey Wood.

The three sat in silence for a few more minutes. The Dormouse spoke:

"I better go… I need my sleep." Hatter shrugged, then nodded. Dormouse scurried off, leaving Marchie and Hatter on their own: the two best friends.

"This has made me realise several things." Hatter spoke, his voice thoughtful. Dreamy. Marchie didn't interrupt his musing, but looked at him enquiringly. "The first," Hatter continued, "is that I didn't appreciate what I had enough. Especially not you." Hatter smiled at the Hare, who gave a crooked grin back. "The second was… It was stupid. Me being depressed, I mean. I stopped living. I forgot that life was meant to be fun. Yeah, I should have been upset. It was my right. But to be so… it was awful, Hare, you can't imagine." He glanced at Marchie, his brown eyes wide with regret.

"I don't think I can, no." Marchie's voice was low, truthful. He knew what it was like to be lonely, knew what it was like to have everything change… but to lose yourself completely? Hare really couldn't imagine.

"Thirdly… I don't think I'm mad anymore. Well, not so much." Hatter crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue. Hare giggled.

"And lastly… I have to get out of here for a while. I have to leave." Hatter peeked at Marchie, his face determined. "And it has to be tonight. I… I can't go back to how I was."

Hare looked scandalised. "You can't go! Not when I've just got you back!"

"I need to." Hatter's voice was perfectly calm and level, but the tears had appeared again.

"I'll come with you."

"No. "

There was a pause.

"Where will you go?"

"Into the normal human world for a bit I think. I'll get to know life outside of this country. Hone in on my Martial Arts skills."

"You don't have any Martial Arts skills."

"I _do! _You should have seen the way I smacked that stupid diamond card!" Hatter grinned at the memory. "I know some people who can get me out of here. A secret way. But don't worry. I will be back. Sometime in the future."

Marchie wanted to scream, but he knew that that would be selfish. Hatter needed to get away, before his life went even more down the pan. And he didn't need some psycho talking hare pulling him back. Hatter was human. He needed to mix with more people of his kind.

"Okay." Marchie held out a paw, which Hatter clasped.

"Okay? Are you sure?" His voice was high in excitement, his face beginning to show some of it's old glow. He really did look handsome then- the women in England would be very, _very_ lucky.

"Never been surer. Just… lets not say goodbye, yes? It seems too... too final."

Hatter nodded, then pulled Marchie into a hug. "I'll send stuff, I promise. You've been a great friend; I'll never forget you. Or Dormouse. He's too irritating to forget."

They both chuckled knowingly. Then they hugged one more time. "I'll…I'll be seeing you, then." Hatter looked into Hare's eyes.

"Yeah, I guess."

And Hatter was gone.

Hare walked home. This was going to be one shit lifetime.

***

About three months later, Marchie got something through the post. It was a postcard and… a parcel. Dormouse was round for tea, and seemed to be very excited.

"I bet it's from Hatter! Open it!"

Hare could do nothing but oblige. He opened the parcel, and out fell a video tape. The label read "My new Martial Arts Skills."

Dormouse snatched the postcard. "_Dear Marchie and Dormouse_," he read, in his high-pitched squeak. "_England good- only been arrested twice. Hope you like the vid, it shows all my new skills. See you soon, Hatter xxx"_

Marchie grinned. "Lets see it then." He shoved the video into his player. DVD's weren't IN Wonderland yet. Stop raising your eyebrows. It's not their fault they're backward.

The video showed a black screen with the white letters, "MY NEW AND IMPROVED JUJITSU TECHNIQUES."

The letters faded, and the video immediately went into static.

**NB: THE END. Finished. Done. I'm really sad now. Oh well, hoped you enjoyed it- IF YOU DID ADD ME TO FAVOURITES!!! And one day I'll be back, writing another 'funny' fic. Oh, poor people- I actually feel sorry for you.**


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